Bug Eyes

I met Bug Eyes on the "reputable" dating Web site, match.com. Too many people convinced me to join since it was a "more serious" dating Web site than the free ones. So I did it for a summer. Bug Eyes was my first date off the site. He IM'd me and we be spoke briefly and then he asked me out on there. No e-mails were exchanged. I should have saw that as a warning sign that he wanted to meet so quickly before getting to know one another through e-mail.

We met at a bar and grill in my old neighborhood in Northeast Ohio. I felt more comfortable meeting at a bar that I was familiar with rather than meeting a stranger I met on the Internet in a new environment. It was kind of hard to see what he fully looked like due to his profile page only having a couple of pics of him that were far away shots, so I when we met, I shockingly wasn't horribly disappointed with his looks. He looked like I had imagined, a plain OK looking guy, only a lot shorter than what he appeared in his pics. Probably why he opted for a far away shot.

We got a table and started talking and getting to know one another. The conversation wasn't terrible, although he asked me far too many questions in a rapid fire way where I barely had a moment to answer him before he moved on to the next question. And it was difficult to ask him anything so I felt as though I was talking an awful lot about myself. We did find out that we knew some of the same people from our pasts so that made it a bit easier to make conversation. So a couple hours and a few too many drinks later, things started to get odd. Or rather he started to get bit odd. Either he was now comfortable enough or he got more liquid courage or he was just obnoxious when he drinks, or something but he decided to flirt with me. And flirt with me in an annoying and unattractive way. He would mock everything I said in a "girly" voice and make a weird, ugly, face while doing it. And in that face, his eyes would bulge out of his face. Needless to say it was strange and quite unappealing. But, I just figured he was nervous or he drank too much or something so I decided to give him a second chance.

I was a bit late to the second date since I got a lost on the way to the restaurant (I did call him). By the time I finally got there, the place was hella busy with a line waiting out the door. Bug Eyes had gotten a table and had been sitting there a while when I sat down. The waiter was stalking the table and came right up to me to get my drink order. I barely looked at the wine list when I get Bug Eyes saying to me "What's wrong?" I told him nothing was wrong and that I felt a little rushed being late and all. So I continue to read the menu while he stares at me. The waiter came back so I just picked any wine off the list. After I ordered my drink, thinking the waiter will be right back for our dinner orders, I pick up the dinner menu to look at it. Bug Eyes stares at me and asks why I am not talking to him. I tell him that I am reading the menu and ask him if he knows what he is having. His response while his eyes bulge: "Yes, of course, the same thing I always get when I come here!" Um, OK. I told him I have never been to this place and I needed a minute to look at the menu. He just stares at me.

We order when the waiter gets back and now I settle in to try to talk to Bug Eyes. He starts the conversation with, "You don't want to be here do you?" I said no, I came and I just couldn't find the place and that I was sorry for being so late. He then says that I wasn't talking to him when I sat down so I didn't seem like I wanted to be there. I moved the conversation along. I asked him about what he likes to do in his spare time and such, he tells me he doesn't do much since all of his friends are married and he doesn't really have too many people to hang out with. Now, I can understand this so when he said this, it seemed normal to me. He then proceeded to mock me when I spoke while making his bug eye face. This was obviously his way of flirting and was his "move." It was beyond obnoxious and hideous to look at. After answering another round of his rapid fire question session, I finally was able to ask him some more about himself. So I asked if he had any summer plans. His response with his eyes popping out of his sockets and with an angry voice "Um, no, I don't have anyone to do anything with." I said, oh, you mean you don't have any summer vacations planned or anything like gardening going on? He barks back in response: "I JUST SAID I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING WITH!!!" Yikes! His freak flagged waved right in my face. I wanted to go home.

I started to get a headache at this point and he noticed I looked uncomfortable so I just played it off as my headache. We ate and he asked me if I wanted to go bowling after this. Hell no, I was not going anywhere else with this psycho! I told him that I wasn't feeling very well and I think I just wanted to call it a night. He then said to me, "You never want to see me again do you?" What the hell was I suppose to say to his face? I wanted to say hell no I don't want to ever speak to or see him ever again, but I didn't want him to kidnap me in the parking lot, so I said, No, that's not why I want to go home, I just don't feel well at all. I then excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back a few minutes later, he looked surprised. I asked him "what?" and he said with a blank straight face, "I honestly thought you left." I just laughed uncomfortably. I asked him how much I owed for dinner and he insisted on paying.

As we walked out of the restaurant he asked if I wanted to come back to his place to watch a movie, or we could go to a movie. I said I really didn't feel like it, maybe some other time. Now, the parking lot was full so I had to park in the next parking lot which was not close, so I figured he parked close and I didn't have to worry about him walking me to my car. I was wrong. He insisted on walking me. While we walked awkwardly to my car, he said he really thought this night would turn out differently. I apologized and stuck to my story about just not feeling very well. We get to my car, I thank him for dinner and walking me to my car and I again apologize for cutting the evening short. He lunges at me and shoves his tongue down my throat! I did not reciprocate, and made a slight move to push him away. He got made a stormed off with a grunt. Like a child who didn't get his way. I promptly got in my car, locked the doors, and drove off looking in my rear view mirror.

That Monday afternoon, I got a text message from Bug Eyes. "You owe me $80"

Moral of the story here: I PAID a subscription to a dating Web site to meet this freak. I could have met a normal freak on craigslist. But instead I paid good, hard-earned money to meet this Bug Eyed, friendless, freak. They owe ME my money back!

THE JOKER, THE SMOKER, THE EVERYHOUR TOKER

Refusing to pay for those Internet dating Web sites, I looked to Craiglslist again. I guess I am gluten for punishment or something, but I really wanted to get out in NYC and date. And I wasn’t meeting any men out in the real world so the virtual world would have to do for now but I did not want to pay my hard earned money to meet a date. I guess I thought if I wasn’t paying to meet a guy, I wasn’t that weirdo who looked online for dates. Oh, I was.

I met the Toker at a local coffee shop after speaking via e-mail for a few days. He seemed pretty cool in his e-mails. He was an obsessed music lover, like myself, and he looked pretty cute in his pictures so I gave it a whirl. I wasn’t feeling at my best on this particular day. I started, what was undiagnosed at the time, a Rosacea breakout on my face so I wasn’t feeling quite attractive. I covered up the best I could and met Toker for coffee. When he walked in the door he looked just like his pictures, which was a great sigh of relief. However, he was really tall. A lot taller than I pictured and that I could tell in his pictures. This usually doesn’t bother me since I am only 5’2” and everyone is taller than me, but this took me back a bit.

After we both got some drinks we proceeded to talk about the common love that brought us together: music. He was a doorman as some concert venue in the city and got to see a lot of great shows. He seemed really cool and had great taste in music. Then out of what seemed nowhere, he asked me if I smoked marijuana. Now, I am by no means a prude and have partaken in my fair share of the herbage in my youth, but this took me by surprise that he would be so forward to ask within the 30 minutes that we had met. I explained to him that I smoked when I was younger, mainly in social situations only. He looked confused by this.

He began to tell me, in great detail, of his love for the only true woman in his life, Mary Jane. And he asked me if I had a problem dating someone who smokes it everyday. Now, I have dated and known plenty stoners in my youth and I had hoped, as I got older, those days were behind me. I explained to him exactly how I felt about a chronic smoker. He assured me that my experiences were just with the wrong smokers and that he is not lazy and he works very hard and he just likes to unwind at home. I didn’t buy it. From all my experiences, and friends’ experiences, on being in a relationship with an avid every hour, everyday smoker, I have learned that is what they all say to the ladies. I felt (and have experienced) that most, who smoke it after breakfast, lunch and dinner, usually pass out on the couch after dessert and a winded competition of video games. Do I want to resort back to a college dorm-style relationship? I don’t think so. He really didn’t get what I was saying at all and just tried to convince me why smoking regularly is “awesome” (his word, not mine) even as we approach our 30's.

So he texted me later that week about going to a concert with him and his mom. Yes, his mom. I was blunt and told him that other than music, I didn't think we had much in common. He texted back asking if it was because he smoked pot. I said yes. I never heard from him again.

This was, believe it or not, a good dating experience for me to have. I was 28 at the time and when he asked me if it would bother me to date a regular pot smoker, I was actually surprised by my answer. I really didn’t care if someone smokes, but a habitual smoker was definitely not someone I wanted or want to date, as I get older. I want to go places and do things with my significant other. If I want to just sit around and watch TV 24/7, I would just stay single, get a couple cats and call it a day.

THE WEIRDO

I met the Weirdo on the unfortunate Web site that is Craigslist. Now keep in mind I had had relatively good luck on CL thus far into my relationship with the site and I figured it wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be. At this point, I had got my job, my apartment (and roommates) and even some friends off the site, so graduating towards dates was the next logical step, right?

Just the shear fact that I met Weirdo on CL meant it was doomed from the beginning. Sure, I met cool friends, roommates and a legit employer on there, but meeting a potential boyfriend on there, well, was a long shot. On paper, Weirdo seemed innocent and cool enough. We exchanged a few pleasantries via e-mail and he gave me his MySpace link. Checking out his pictures, he looked pretty cute: blond with a decent body. His personality was too good to be true. He was very sarcastic and seemed to have a great sense of humor, so I decided to meet him in person.

We met at a park close to my apartment. As I stood at the entrance to the park that dreadful day, I remember hoping that the guy crossing the street headed my way was not Weirdo. No such luck. I waited for him to approach me. He did. This short-ish, completely bald guy was my date. OK, at this point two things become apparently clear to me. One, he hadn’t updated his MySpace pictures in probably a good decade and two, this guy was so stocky built, he either spent every waking minute at the gym or he just steroided up to prepare for the date. He also had this completely disgusting blond goatee that looked like a really long haired woolly bear died on his upper lip. I mean this was one long ass goatee where one could not help but wonder how he ate anything and how this food would not get lost in it. It was gross. And I immediately knew I did not want to watch him eat. He was also wearing shorts that showed off his gigantic calf muscles. Ew. Not wanting to be a bitch that judges a person on appearances only, I gave him a chance. The worse part of it was that he immediately sensed something was up with me after I instantly became silent.

We decided to go into a local bar for a drink, which was great because damn did I need one. We sat in a favorite dive bar of mine, of which, he too was also familiar with. The conversation began to loosen up after a few beers and I began to like speaking with him. He was hilarious and he had great taste in music and beer (two of my favorite subjects). We got along great. He was so obviously giving me his A-Game and it was fun. My friend and her husband met me up at the bar and the four of us had fun drinking and having great conversations. After the date I spoke with my friend and we both agreed he was icky to look at, but he had a really great personality and I needed to give him another chance.

For the second date we decided to see a movie. We first met at a different bar close in my neighborhood. He brought a newspaper so we could pick a movie that we wanted to see. He asked me what movie I wanted to see so I picked some dumb Mike Myers film, which I felt would be a good date movie. He told me that it looked stupid and we should see some 3D movie that he wanted to see. Not wanting to be a pain, I agreed. As I agreed I couldn’t help but wonder why he even asked me what movie I wanted to see when he planned on seeing his movie all along. Huh. I thought this was a bit obnoxious, but I tried to let it go. We decided we had time to kill before the movie so we walked to another bar for a drink.

While at the bar the conversation turned toward tattoos. He proceeded to tell me about a tattoo this girl he knew had and as he was doing this he grabbed my arm to draw the tattoo on it. Not wanting pen ink on me, I pulled back and asked him to just tell me what it was. He insisted on drawing on me and grabbed my hand. I, again, asked him to not draw on me and to just draw it on a napkin. After going back and forth for which felt like an eternity, I gave in and let him draw the damn thing on my hand. What did he draw? A tiny line. All of that for a tiny line. I was super annoyed at this point.

The conversation floated from different topics and I realized that only our mutual love for beer and music had kept us together on our first date. This time around, we had no similar interests. Actually he was extremely opinionated about every subject we spoke of. And he was so obnoxiously loud in the process. Now keep in mind this was a small bar and there were just a handful of people in it at this time. Bar patrons were definitely staring at us as he talked very loudly. I was super annoyed so I mentioned that we needed to go so we could make the movie. He insisted we had plenty of time and ordered another round of drinks. After those drinks were finished we hailed a cab to go about 10 blocks.

We get to the theater and it is packed. It is a Friday or Saturday night in NYC and I had known it would be packed. The movie started five minutes ago but he insisted we would only miss the previews. I suggested just seeing another movie because we might not get two seats together. He did not agree. So we got our tickets and walked in the theater. There were no two seats together. Not even one of those super close-to-the-screen seats was available. It was seriously packed. I was now furious, so I just said I was going to sit in the one seat that I saw was open. He sat in a lone seat about five rows ahead of me. Yes, we sat separately because my date was a moron. Why he didn’t listen to me about not being able to get a seat is beyond me. Throughout the film he kept turning around to make sure I was still there. Believe me if there had been an exit behind me, I would have split and left his ass there.

After the horrible experience at the movie theater and the bar, I wanted to call it a night. As we walked out of the theater I said I was going to walk home and I’d talk to him later. He said there was a bar nearby and we should grab a drink. I said I just wanted to just go home and that he should go in and get one by himself. He didn’t get the hint. He grabbed my arm and lead me in the bar saying we will just have one drink. Thank god the bar was packed and that changed his mind. As we walked out of the bar I said good-bye and started walking towards my neighborhood. He didn’t get this hint either because he started walking behind me and then next to me. He even joked that I didn’t look like I wanted him to follow me. I was really furious now. But not wanting to anger him and watch him go all green via the Hulk, I just nervously laughed and said I was going get some food and if he wanted to walk with me he could. Now by this point, we were very far from his train station that he needed to, which I kept telling him, and if he wanted to head home, he should. This guy was not listening. So he watched me eat Mexican food at this place in my neighborhood with silence. We barely spoke. He didn’t eat a thing. He had to feel the awkwardness. If he didn’t, he was the dumbest man alive. After I ate, I told him good night, yet again, as I headed toward my apartment. He walked a little ways with me and not wanting him to know which apartment building was mine, I started to turn down the wrong street. This is where he finally caught on and said good-bye and went in the opposite direction towards the train station. I waited a few minutes circling my actual street just to make sure he wasn’t following me in the shadows.

What you may ask did I learn from the Weirdo experience? Always trust my gut instinct even if it may be superficial.