I met the Weirdo on the unfortunate Web site that is Craigslist. Now keep in mind I had had relatively good luck on CL thus far into my relationship with the site and I figured it wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be. At this point, I had got my job, my apartment (and roommates) and even some friends off the site, so graduating towards dates was the next logical step, right?
Just the shear fact that I met Weirdo on CL meant it was doomed from the beginning. Sure, I met cool friends, roommates and a legit employer on there, but meeting a potential boyfriend on there, well, was a long shot. On paper, Weirdo seemed innocent and cool enough. We exchanged a few pleasantries via e-mail and he gave me his MySpace link. Checking out his pictures, he looked pretty cute: blond with a decent body. His personality was too good to be true. He was very sarcastic and seemed to have a great sense of humor, so I decided to meet him in person.
We met at a park close to my apartment. As I stood at the entrance to the park that dreadful day, I remember hoping that the guy crossing the street headed my way was not Weirdo. No such luck. I waited for him to approach me. He did. This short-ish, completely bald guy was my date. OK, at this point two things become apparently clear to me. One, he hadn’t updated his MySpace pictures in probably a good decade and two, this guy was so stocky built, he either spent every waking minute at the gym or he just steroided up to prepare for the date. He also had this completely disgusting blond goatee that looked like a really long haired woolly bear died on his upper lip. I mean this was one long ass goatee where one could not help but wonder how he ate anything and how this food would not get lost in it. It was gross. And I immediately knew I did not want to watch him eat. He was also wearing shorts that showed off his gigantic calf muscles. Ew. Not wanting to be a bitch that judges a person on appearances only, I gave him a chance. The worse part of it was that he immediately sensed something was up with me after I instantly became silent.
We decided to go into a local bar for a drink, which was great because damn did I need one. We sat in a favorite dive bar of mine, of which, he too was also familiar with. The conversation began to loosen up after a few beers and I began to like speaking with him. He was hilarious and he had great taste in music and beer (two of my favorite subjects). We got along great. He was so obviously giving me his A-Game and it was fun. My friend and her husband met me up at the bar and the four of us had fun drinking and having great conversations. After the date I spoke with my friend and we both agreed he was icky to look at, but he had a really great personality and I needed to give him another chance.
For the second date we decided to see a movie. We first met at a different bar close in my neighborhood. He brought a newspaper so we could pick a movie that we wanted to see. He asked me what movie I wanted to see so I picked some dumb Mike Myers film, which I felt would be a good date movie. He told me that it looked stupid and we should see some 3D movie that he wanted to see. Not wanting to be a pain, I agreed. As I agreed I couldn’t help but wonder why he even asked me what movie I wanted to see when he planned on seeing his movie all along. Huh. I thought this was a bit obnoxious, but I tried to let it go. We decided we had time to kill before the movie so we walked to another bar for a drink.
While at the bar the conversation turned toward tattoos. He proceeded to tell me about a tattoo this girl he knew had and as he was doing this he grabbed my arm to draw the tattoo on it. Not wanting pen ink on me, I pulled back and asked him to just tell me what it was. He insisted on drawing on me and grabbed my hand. I, again, asked him to not draw on me and to just draw it on a napkin. After going back and forth for which felt like an eternity, I gave in and let him draw the damn thing on my hand. What did he draw? A tiny line. All of that for a tiny line. I was super annoyed at this point.
The conversation floated from different topics and I realized that only our mutual love for beer and music had kept us together on our first date. This time around, we had no similar interests. Actually he was extremely opinionated about every subject we spoke of. And he was so obnoxiously loud in the process. Now keep in mind this was a small bar and there were just a handful of people in it at this time. Bar patrons were definitely staring at us as he talked very loudly. I was super annoyed so I mentioned that we needed to go so we could make the movie. He insisted we had plenty of time and ordered another round of drinks. After those drinks were finished we hailed a cab to go about 10 blocks.
We get to the theater and it is packed. It is a Friday or Saturday night in NYC and I had known it would be packed. The movie started five minutes ago but he insisted we would only miss the previews. I suggested just seeing another movie because we might not get two seats together. He did not agree. So we got our tickets and walked in the theater. There were no two seats together. Not even one of those super close-to-the-screen seats was available. It was seriously packed. I was now furious, so I just said I was going to sit in the one seat that I saw was open. He sat in a lone seat about five rows ahead of me. Yes, we sat separately because my date was a moron. Why he didn’t listen to me about not being able to get a seat is beyond me. Throughout the film he kept turning around to make sure I was still there. Believe me if there had been an exit behind me, I would have split and left his ass there.
After the horrible experience at the movie theater and the bar, I wanted to call it a night. As we walked out of the theater I said I was going to walk home and I’d talk to him later. He said there was a bar nearby and we should grab a drink. I said I just wanted to just go home and that he should go in and get one by himself. He didn’t get the hint. He grabbed my arm and lead me in the bar saying we will just have one drink. Thank god the bar was packed and that changed his mind. As we walked out of the bar I said good-bye and started walking towards my neighborhood. He didn’t get this hint either because he started walking behind me and then next to me. He even joked that I didn’t look like I wanted him to follow me. I was really furious now. But not wanting to anger him and watch him go all green via the Hulk, I just nervously laughed and said I was going get some food and if he wanted to walk with me he could. Now by this point, we were very far from his train station that he needed to, which I kept telling him, and if he wanted to head home, he should. This guy was not listening. So he watched me eat Mexican food at this place in my neighborhood with silence. We barely spoke. He didn’t eat a thing. He had to feel the awkwardness. If he didn’t, he was the dumbest man alive. After I ate, I told him good night, yet again, as I headed toward my apartment. He walked a little ways with me and not wanting him to know which apartment building was mine, I started to turn down the wrong street. This is where he finally caught on and said good-bye and went in the opposite direction towards the train station. I waited a few minutes circling my actual street just to make sure he wasn’t following me in the shadows.
What you may ask did I learn from the Weirdo experience? Always trust my gut instinct even if it may be superficial.
